Gab_Inez's Xanga

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Mon, 02 Mar 2009 03:16:20 GMT

Spring Break = next week!! WOOOO!! Although I have no awesome plans to go to the beach . . or anywhere . . . it is awesome to have a whole week off without anything I need to do . . . It sucks though b/c now everything is due Friday . . eghhh. Still excited, though.
I really need to spend this week studying and focusing on school. I say that and I hope that I will actually stick to it . . . My goal for this semester is all A's, but right now I'm having problems in two classes, one of which is for my major. Not cool. I'm hoping to bring it up, though, hence the studying all week. I still might get a B or so in gay math, but definitely NO C's!! I must bring my GPA up!! :[
My RA group process was today! I was a little bit nervous about it, but once I got there things went great. I'm truly surprised at how much I have come out of my shell. I am a lot more confident, I actually have a voice in groups . . . I'm proud of meeself :P It was so much fun! I met a lot of new people, and hopefully we will be stationed in the same buildings next year or something. YAY!! I think I am going to love it . . . if I get it. I'm feeling really good about it and it has put me in the best mood :D
It will be nice to be in a room by myself . . . my roommate is driving me bonkers I tell you!! She is nice and all, but we are just two totally . . not exactly complete opposite, but definitely not the same personalities. She is a single child, so she cannot be left alone (even though she has left me in my room for two whole weeks once, not that I am complaining), she doesn't pick up after herself, and she is very inconsiderate and on the verge of being downright rude. Its quite pitiful and I cannot wait to get out of here. Blehhh. Oh snap, her birthday is Friday . . . crappolllla!
Math test tomorrow = stress! I think I need to read a whole book for Literature by Friday night. On top of that, I have a Abnormal Psych test Friday over four chapters, which may not seem like a lot but it is actually seventeen printed pages of notes to write and go over and around 200 pages in my book to read. Yeah so . . . I better jump on it . . .

Trying to stay strong and positive. Shine that light!

Tue, 24 Feb 2009 22:36:26 GMT

I have decided that I am going to dwell on the past no longer. I mean, really, what sense does it make? It cannot be changed, no matter how much I would like, I cannot go back, so what is the point of getting upset at myself each and every time it comes up?
Dwelling on the past distracts me from the future, and, more importantly, the NOW.
Seriously this time.
I have been praying about it a lot, and I finally read some different things that really helped me, and I shall be brought down no longer from my past mistakes and regrets. Although I know I could've done better, and I knew better, it is the past and that is where it should stay. I have learned from it, and I know that it happened for a reason and I had to go through that to be the person I am today
:)

I've been trying to read every night. It gives me strength. I need to start reading every morning to start my day off on a positive note, though. I enjoy my sleep so much though :(
I'm really trying to do better and shine my light. It is difficult, though. I've noticed that since I have decided to do better there has been even more temptation. . . very difficult.

My interview for the RA position next year was today!! It went really well, I think. Come to find out Brandi (my interviewer) told my RD that I did really well. That makes me happy. I'm not really worried about not getting it. If I do, thats great and I'll do my absolute best, if not, then it was just not meant to be, and that is fine with little ole me :] I wasn't even that nervous for the interview. I was pretty confident. I feel like I have finally started to really come out of my shell . . . hopefully I'll come out even more if I become an RA. We shall see!

-- I've been seriously considering meeting up with Sarah next time she comes in. I e-mailed her today just seeing how she has been, because I have been thinking about her. I hope she doesn't think it's because she has been communicating with A.
My only worries are that if we do meet, she will tell someone about it or she will tell someone (mostly A) what I wanted to talk to her about. This will take a lot of trust on my end to meet with her and confide in her. I just don't want to get screwed over again :S

Closing in the distance

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 22:01:44 GMT

". . . Every time you casually have sexual relations with someone who you are not married to, a little bit of your soul dies in a way. You have given to a stranger something that is valuable and precious. You have allowed this person to steal your wealth, to take away your honor."

This is exactly why I feel so disgusted with myself. I don't want to say that I regret having sex because with regret you haven't learned anything, but I just wish I would not have had to learn that lesson but instead listened to what everyone was trying to tell me and teach me. I know that I cannot do anything to take back what I did no matter how much a wish I could, but I still haven't forgiven myself for it. It has gotten better over time, especially with Alex and his wise and comforting words, but it is still something I need to work on.

I feel like I have become distant with God and I do not like it. I'm going to start working on that. I want to go back to the great mood I was in a few days ago. :]
I just need to pray about everything and figure things out.

Lacking in Self - Confidence

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 00:58:00 GMT

I just took this interest test on the job source website and these were my top 3 results:
Social
"the helpers" People in the social category prefer to work with others. They tend to be highly verbal, express themselves well, and get along well in groups. Social types typically prefer the team approach to problem solving. People in the social category often describe themselves as cooperative, friendly, and understanding. They generally enjoy teaching, caring for others, volunteering, mediating disputes, meeting new people, and working in groups.
Artistic
"the creators" People in the artistic category prefer to be expressive. They like the opportunity to create new things and be innovative. They typically do not like structure or conformity. They prefer to use their imagination and be creative. People in this category generally enjoy activities such as: writing, poetry, photography, designing, singing, acting, dancing, painting, attending theaters and exhibits, and reading.
Enterprising
"the persuaders" People in the enterprising category often prefer activities selling and promoting. They enjoy influencing others and being in a leadership position. They often use their skills to influence others. They often like competitive activities and are often self-confident, talkative and energetic. They generally enjoy discussing politics, selling and promoting, having power and status, giving talks and speeches, and leading groups.

The last one is odd and out there to me . . . speaking of self-confidence . . . I'm not feeling it at the moment.
Ever since last night I have been feeling very weird. I feel off and down. Grumpy. It's like I am bipolar or something. All day yesterday I was in the absolute best, upbeat mood, with nothing bothering me, then all of a sudden it turned.
I feel so crappy and just eghhhhh. I know that is not the best description, but I have no other way to explain.
I'm concerned about my relationship with Alex all of a sudden, and extremely paranoid about everything when it comes to him . . . I'm not sure where it is coming from really.
I'm not liking it.
I am also not liking that my roommate and her boyfriend at all but a teeny handful of my goldfish . . . thanks guys, you're great. . .
Grr.

P.S. This Gossip Girl show has me so lost . . am I feeling compelled to go rent the first and second season to figure things out? I'll have to think about it . . . :]

If Only & the Things I should have done . . .

Sun, 25 Jan 2009 21:18:17 GMT

I am really hating how crappy the economy is right now. There are not enough jobs. It's terrible.
But I should have gotten a job last summer so that I would have been working steady up until now.
If only I would have pushed myself more to get a job.
While I am on the subject of if only and the things I should have done . . . .
I should have waited and done more shopping when it came to my vehicle. I was so excited just about getting one that I didn't wait long enough. My parents seemed all for it, which made me think that it would be alright, but I could've found a cheap used car for sale by the owner and get a better deal and possibly even a better car. Especially if I would have somehow made it up to today, where they are practically giving away cars.
Eeesh. I could not have managed without a car for that long, though. I'm sure of it.

I read that Murfreesboro, TN is one of the 100 best places to live (#84, actually), and the median home price here is $142,000. I could have put down on a house here and could be on my way to owning my own home!! That thought KILLS ME!
If ONLY I would have got on top of things earlier. What am I talking about, I'm still now not on top of things. How frustrating.

Rant of the week. Its only Sunday . . . maybe I should've saved this.
We'll see how things are at the end of the week :)

I would like to point out that I am very content right now (- still not having an income). This was just a thought I had run through my head.
Alex makes me so happy :] I don't think I've been this comfortable with anyone.
I love it.
I wish I could explain my feelings for him.
[Baby, I can see your Halo]
♥

My career?

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 22:47:36 GMT

It bothers me greatly that I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
Well, that isn't exactly true, I know what I would like to do, I just don't have any titles lol
I want to help people mentally.
I want to leave my job every day feeling as though I truly helped someone.
I would like to be on my toes at all times, but have amazing rewards.
Every day needs to be a new day, full of new challenges.
Having children to help would also be nice, I love children (especially babies lol)
I want all of these things in my job description, but I haven't the slightest about what career I want.
What should my career path be?
I think it would be awesome to take classes along with my Psychology major that will give me the ability to have many different options when I graduate. I want the ability to be versatile.
If all of that sounds picky, I don't care! This is what I am going to spend a major part of my life doing, I want to enjoy it and feel fulfilled.
Right now I am just feeling lost and stressed out lol
I'm working on trying to enjoy the whole college experience, though. I wish I had all of my college paid for. I would love to take classes just to learn interesting things. I don't want to be stuck to certain minors and such.

Hormonal

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 04:01:21 GMT

It bothers me very much so that I have become so dependent on medication.
I have been on birth control since I was 15 years old.
This is the first month I have been off of it and I am going
CRAZY
I am a hormonal wreck.
I'm crying my eyes out for any dumb reason, then I'm completely irritated about absolutely nothing, yet everything.
On top of all of the emotions, I am bloated for no reason and my face is broken out and disgusting.
I need to go to the doctor asap, but I've been thinking about it . . . do I want to deal with taking this for the next however many years until I decide I want to try to have children, then when I start trying I'll be a hormonal wreck before I'm even pregnant? I just don't like it.
I don't even like having to take sinus medicine.
I hate how medication is ruling everyone's lives.
People have turned into paranoids.
If they even hear about a new medication, they start seeing the symptoms in themselves.
It's ridiculous.

So . . .
right now, yes, I am depressed about being in this room alone my first night back . . BUT being here like this yet again has inspired me to do more with all of this free time I have. If I don't get a job within the next week I am going to volunteer somewhere. That way I will be doing something productive with all of this extra time I have!!
I will not allow myself to sit in this room feeling sorry for myself and being bored to death.
Nor will I go to Alex's apartment to try to keep myself entertained, yet sit there bored to death, bothered for ruining boy time, and irritated for not having all of Alex's attention lol

This is my goal for this semester.
I HAVE to do SOMETHING!

We shall see how this goes . . .

Over It

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 23:55:17 GMT

I cannot wait until Friday.
Alex doesn't have to go to his last class and he is taking me to see Twilight!
YAY
But . . . I have two essays due Friday :(
They suck.
English essay about Motherhood based on a few short stories. Gag
History essay about slave life based on a few different primary sources. Gay
Gross.
As you can see, I cannot focus on these day essays.
Last week I said I would be done by last weekend was over.
Monday I said I'd be done by today.
Tonight I am sitting here aiming for the stress to end tomorrow . . .
I'm so over this semester.
Once I'm done with these essays I need to work on 2 more papers for extra credit, ten journals pertaining to my Developmental Psych class, and then there is the 8 page life project paper . . .
Good Lord give me strength.

Random question:
If you told someone you loved them and at the time you really thought you meant it, but now when you think about them you get sick to your stomach from all of the time you wasted, does that mean you were actually in love?
Just thinking . .

God and Alex. I am full of joy :]

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 16:10:35 GMT

I wish I would've spoken up about what was wrong with me sooner to Alex.
After I told him how I was feeling everything got so much better.
I told him Friday night, then I started reading his Bible. I prayed for God to guide me as I read to help me with whatever it is I have been going through and He did just that.
I went to Song of Songs by Solomon.
If you have not read it, then you should. It is a love letter between the Lover and his Beloved.
In his Bible there are side notes you can look at as you read and after reading the book, I looked through it and it spoke of being in love. It said that it is a great thing to fall in love and everyone should do it at least once in their life, but it is that forever love that you want to look for. A lasting love that is so much more than physical and emotional.
Its spiritual.
God blesses you with that person He made just for you, it is His gift to you, and you are supposed to enjoy that person and love them for who they are, and they aren't going to be just like you.

After all that Alex and I went to church last night and there was a guest speaker. It was a man who had written a few books about parenting and marriage, and he had been at the church doing seminars. He was really good, he had everyone laughing the entire time, but he also had a good message. It was almost the exact message I had read in Song of Songs the night before.
He talked about the differences between male and female and how after you're with someone for so long, you start seeing all of the negative things about them and you get frustrated with them and begin to dislike them, but you shouldn't. God made male and female different for a reason.
If you were identical in every way to the person you were with, life would get extremely boring and you would start to clash because I mean really, why would you want someone exactly like you in every way? It would get annoying.
I learned a lot this weekend, and I feel really good about it.

After I told Alex what I was thinking and feeling Friday night, we went our separate ways for a little while . . . I read and he went and played games with the boys, but when we went to bed we started talking our problem a little.
Its kinda like we're married and neither of us wants that right now. I am always with him and at his apartment and he has to juggle my time and guy time, and its just not very fun. I've decided I need to start getting closer to my friends and hang out with them more and there is still the job situation . . .

Anyway . .

We talked, then went to bed and woke up at about 3 in the morning again and started kissing and such :] and we just layed there and talked to each other until like 5:30. It was excellent, and now I feel so much better.
I'm with my best friend, who makes me happy, and loves me and wants to make sure I'm happy. Even though we are different in some ways, we accent each other.
I love him.
I'm so happy right now and I am hoping and praying it lasts, but I know that God is on my side and he gives me strength to make it through all of my dark times.

More people should know God and what He can do for them. Its an amazing thing, having him in your heart and on your side keeping you up.
I wish I could explain.

Gracious I did not think I would be writing this much!!

Does Love Last?

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 19:01:39 GMT

My mom found her huge garbage bag full of all the love letters my dad wrote to her when he was living in Japan at one of the Air Force bases. I’m not exaggerating when I say huge garbage bag FULL of letters. They were 18 and 19 or 19 and 20 when they met and they fell in love but he was in the Air Force at the time and they were moving him to Japan for a year, so they wrote each other every single day. They sent pictures of each other along with the mushy gushy letters and they even wrote how much they loved each other all over the back of the envelopes. My mom started reading one of them: he talked about how much he missed her, how crazy he was for her, and how de couldn’t wait until they get married . . . I thought it was so sweet! Eventually my dad came back after his year and they got married as soon as they could. She ended up leaving her family and moving back to Japan with him for another year, where she lived on base with him and got a job . . . they were so in love.
I love hearing their story, but it also makes me feel sad. They were so in love and enthralled with each other, it really is a great story, but I wasn’t there for that. I have been here for everything else. I have seen them screaming and yelling, throwing and slamming things and it makes me worry for my own future. Is that going to happen to me? Is my love going to last forever, or am I eventually going to get so tired of the man I marry that I beg for a divorce?
I’m so scared that my marriage will go downhill like all of my other relationships have. What if I have kids and they are growing up in a relationship full of hate because my husband and I don’t want them to grow up in a broken household? Wouldn’t it be broken anyway?
I guess this goes along with my negative attitude lately . . . I was just thinking about it . . .
How do you know that your relationship is for the long run? Sure, in the beginning you know if its going to last or if it won’t, but I’m talking about forever. Forever is rare these days and it petrifies me. I think about all of this and how much it bothers me, then I immediately think of when I get asked for my hand in marriage . . am I going to say yes? Am I going to get cold feet and back out after I fully think about the details that go along with that HUGE decision?
I want someone to steal my heart, keep it as theirs, and take care of it forever, along with allowing me to have theirs also. I love Alex so much . . . but I can’t help but have that fear in the back of my mind. We talk about marriage, but it doesn’t ever feel like an actual serious conversation . . I suppose its a bit too early to think about that anyway for us . . but some people are only together for a few months and somehow  they “just know” and they feel in their heart that that person is who they are meant to be with for the rest of their life.........

Maybe thats why I am so obsessed with Twilight. Edward and Bella have this unbreakable bond with one another. In the book she finally tells him that she loves him and he responds with “you are my life now” He is constantly telling her how much she means to him and how much he needs her. For him, life before her was like a moonless night. Is that not what every girl wants? Not to mention he has super strength and speed lol She has her own personal superhero who is madly in love with her. Sound like perfection to me!! lol

wow this is all over the place . . . I just had to get all of that out of my head . . now I will attempt to do some homework